Quiz of the Week










This is a quiz for people who know quite a bit... These are not trick
questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.





1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends.





2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?





3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What
are the only two perennial vegetables?





4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?



5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside
the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least
half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the
letter "S."


Answers are below...







Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry



5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? . It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire
growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the
stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle
(Isn't dweeb a word?)

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period , comma ,,
colon :, semicolon ;, dash --, hyphen -, apostrophe ', question mark ?,
exclamation point !, quotation marks " ", brackets [ ], parenthesis ( ),
braces { }, and ellipses ...

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh . . Lettuce

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s." Shoes,
socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings,
stilts

50th Anniversary



On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said, "Honey, do your remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.

"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."



"Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"



She giggled and said, "Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"



He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

BIRTH CONTROL THE PAIL AND SAUCER METHOD...



Two city girls and one farm girl met with a counselor before getting married to discuss birth control methods.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were they going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their future husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

The counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.

Her answer was, "the rhythm method"

"That will work if you keep good records".... said the counselor.

He asked the second girl what method of birth control she planned on using.

"I plan on using birth control pills" she said.

Again he said, "Yes, that will work, as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.

The farm girl said, "The pail and saucer method."

After a short pause, the counselor said, "That should work."

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.

Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet

The counselor asked the first girl, "What birth control did you use,,,,, and what went wrong???"

She replied, "I used the rhythm method,,,but somehow my notes got mixed up and ......well here I am,,,,going to have a baby !!!"

He asked the second city girl, "What birth control method did you use,,,,,,,and what went wrong??"

She replied, "The birth control pill,,,,but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have any pills with me,,,,,,,,,,and ,,,,,,,,as you see I too am going to have a baby !!!"

He then said to the farm girl, "I vaguely remember....... that you were going to use the pail and saucer method......Now I must admit that I don't have a clue,,,,,what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me ??? I see it worked well for you."

She replied, "Well, we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down.

Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes,,,,,,,, and when they get as big as saucers.................................I kick the pail out from under him !!!"

you might want to do some DD on APYM

Message From Your Government


Don't forget to pay your taxes!

12 Million ILLEGAL immigrants are depending on you!

New Airport Scanner

Major airports have decided to use a new machine for checking people as they board the aircraft. Because of many complaints from passengers that they are being fondled, a new scanning device will now be used.

Click on the URL link below, and drag your mouse over the picture to see a demonstration of how the device functions.

http://home.chello.no/~siamak.javid/etc/NewAirportSecurity.swf

For the man who has everything



http://www.ourlighterside.com//stuff/three/

It's a Hillary Condoleezza HO DOWN!!


sound


http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it." Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie.

She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, " Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you sure got ugly tits."

Upcoming 2008 Democratic Convention agenda:


6:00 p.m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:05 p.m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton

6:30 p.m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.

6:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00 p.m. - Tribute theme to France.

7:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25 p.m. - Tribute theme to Germany.

7:45 pm. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30 p.m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00 p.m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)

9:30 p.m. - * Intermission *

10:00 p.m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins

10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:20 p.m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:30 p.m. - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.

10:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast & late night swim.

10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00 p.m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes, mixed & and
same sex). . Rep. Barney Frank (D, Mass.), Sponsor

11:15 p.m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30 p.m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00 p.m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

P.S. Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home from the
convention ?

My favorite song


sound



http://tinyurl.com/4wcak

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off.

He storms into his security staff's headquaters and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jumped up and raced for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "Oh my god, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

Bush

sound

http://www.nationx.dk/bush/

slim and none

HIM AND HER

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you

try that again

http://www.thenewsvault.com/cgi/news.pl?t=115

Tiger Woods 19th hole putting green


http://www.thenewsvault.com/cgi/news.pl

Quotes






Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL

Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Will iams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers


"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips



" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

tjak a reverse split will not attract Institutional Investors

Bill Clinton, Al Gore , and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=12847479

Jaguars 9 Steelers 0

http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=10853707

Dubya's Birthday Present



Laura Bush bought "Dubyah," a parrot for George's birthday.

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While

they're sitting there having a good time together she starts

talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks

about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk

her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and

lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the

drink and puts the following on the bar A saltshaker, a shot

of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at

the items quizzically and the woman explains. " "First, you

put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot

of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the

lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please

her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but

OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys smooth, rich, cool, very

pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime

juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste

hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three

seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his

gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his

girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally

chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus,

what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and

says, "Blow Job"

nuts



A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks: "Ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! tas pensive" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"All right then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk: "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not making phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing!

I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your penis since your nutz arr so damn high."

GIN

Great Loss



Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.

He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God...."

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says, "How many is a 'Brazilian'?"

Dwudman..stirred please, with 2 olives

The King



http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=11186018

rally time

http://www.rallymonkey.com/oldvideo.php

DUH?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3534791936101725686&q=label%3Asex

An Email worth sharing

I remember all of these. I must be older than dirt.

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room
table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16 Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19 Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!

Especially to all your really OLD friends....

"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...

The senility to forget the people I never liked

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do

And the eyesight to tell the difference."

Have a great week!!!!!!

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up".

drinking time music


http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=13025353

A Nation Remembers


http://www.markfiore.com/animation/phony.html

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook
hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one
question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand
why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next

expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor

and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!


And finally

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

such profound words.........

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.! It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, us men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.