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A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.”
“The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it.”
“I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A trucking company in the city I work for has a bigger Radio Flyer car than the one you posted.
http://www.papastoyscarcollection.com/index_files/Page497.htm
It is cool though.
been quiet so thought I would share something for us old timers
you might have to cut and past in google
http://www.ktuu.com/news/ktuu-radio-flyer-car-092910,0,1784245.story
Lmao-let em build it so I can fly a plane into- a DC-3 full of C-4
I dont need to know how to land it and I promise you I can get one off the ground-how about an eye for an eye? I will take one for the team(Country)
Slaughterhouse next door would be the only thing needed to close their doors.
JUST A THOUGHT
Regarding the mosque near ground zero, I say let them build it. But across the street, we should put a topless bar, called "You Mecca Me Hot". Next to that, a gay bar called "The Turban Cowboy"
and next to that, a pork-rib restaurant called "Iraq o' Ribs" and a check cashing center called..........."Iran out of money"
Let’s see who's really tolerant!
!!!!!!!!! Friggin awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
Breast Awareness
Finally, something other than smiley faces.
Perfect breasts(o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts( + )( + )
Perky breasts(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts(@)(@)
A cupso o
D cups{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts(oYo)
Cold breasts( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts(p)(p)
Against The Shower Door Breasts( )( )
Android Breasts o o
Martha Stewart's Breasts($)($)
OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy.
LMAO-good one
that is bad SP-lol
8 things women won't say
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big"
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
3 women went out drinking
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.
The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."
The second woman said, "I blew chunks."
The third woman said, "I burned down my house."
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
AWESOME!!
HILARIOUS!!
speaking of BUTT
speaking of BUTT
Two Rednecks
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!"
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl.
"We're on the patch"!
Want to be healed?
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ...
Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving.
He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!"
he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
...That's sad..... You should carry a paintball gun in your passenger seat with stink bomb paintballs. One of those in the window will show them for weeks why they should stop driving like...Dbags.
Not in LA but in washington state they always seem to come from the furtherst left lane and cut across causing cars to swerve to miss them so they can exit and they pull right in front of you an dif you do not slow down you get a nice feder-bender that you generally have to pay for because the other person is related to some attorney or law enforcment and has no insurance
Wow, I think I may agree with all of those things!
Are you from LA!? I always try to get people to gang up on the ahole who passes everybody and tris to cut over the lines at the freeway junction. Not that I want to kill anyone, but after waiting that long it definatly pisses me off to see them cut in. If I had done that I could have slept in for 20 more minutes!
GM
a few thoughts of which I claim no authorship an ddo not know who was the author sorry
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters, stay strong!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey" - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies... stop laughing.
Anytime !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
ahhhh---NO its not but thanks for asking--lol
i hope that is not you on the week-ends LOL
Lmao-now I like that one
Lmao-now I like that one
This is for real. Honest to goodness a true story. I have a small feed business on the side and this is one of my customers. He's a really big guy and talking about a diet would be well within the realm of reality and I can see how the girl would get suckered into this............
------------------As he writes to me:
Yesterday I was at PetSmart in Tomball buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog chow for our little Christmas dog from last year, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked, "do you had a dog?" What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm always looking for opportunities to do a little brain surgery on unsuspecting victims, on impulse I told her, "no, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Eukanuba Diet again." I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets. Then you simply eat a few nuggets every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
PS, PetSmart won't let me shop there anymore.
---Little Johnny---
Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
That guy on happy pills or what?
He was a show stopper!!!!!
THIS IS SO FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IF YOU DON'T LAUGH THEN YOU ARE FUCKED UP
Drunk Contest:
A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
The bartender replies, “Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.”
The man asks, “What are the tasks?”"
First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.Then, well, there’s a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play.” said the bartender.
“Damn.” says the man.
Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, “I’m in.”
He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he’s out cold.The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, “Now where’s that lady with the blunt tooth.”
He likes to see home boys naked, dont know how that helps me?
NICE!!
Home is where YOU NAKED?
Homos when they're naked?
OH...Home is where you MAKE IT!
A HAHAHAHAHA!!
Funny -- it was close, but not quite. If I come across one I'll post it for you. I'm a native S.Cal person myself. It gets pretty funny at times.
LOL! Damn cajuns!
Reminds me of this guy.
Crisis in the Gulf!!!
(I hope enough of you Yankies understand the Southern Louisiana dialect to get this joke)
Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and stopped laying around. He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays! Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him. Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He's dat close, I wanna be good to go!"
Well do not know if this works but I thought it was a pretty good spots anouncer only could not hear well
Especially after spending $12 on seats belt accessories...lol.
LOL of course it would be "75" for oxygen, who is actually carrying "75" exactly.
ok I will try this one if it does not work I tried not that computer literate.
The Cruise
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.
The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.
The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore.
He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Tree doll uhs and fiddy sense
This is a board for my friends and I to clown around. Share jokes, or tell a funny story! Possibly suggest a good stock that has a funny name?
Be yourselves.
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