The Confessional

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Q: What's the difference between a woman's zipper and a mans zipper?
A: When a woman unzips her pants, her brains don't fall out!

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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with Interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!"

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

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Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the synagogue women's guild.

"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie's dead body."

A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.

"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."

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A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money?

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

[JPGetty]

I'll stick with oatmeal and an apple.

[Rover_az]

Ew!

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Facebook says 600,000 account logins compromised every day ...

http://redtape.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/10/28/8527819-facebook-says-600000-account-logins-compromised-every-day

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What the McRib is made of ...

http://theweek.com/article/index/220866/whats-the-mcrib-made-of-anyway

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How to Build a Better Memory ...

http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/21949/64771/memory-aerobics?ap=825

[JPGetty]

All that reminds me of the public notice during a dry spell.

An area Native-American tribe was called to duty.

Their notice read:

Rain Dance, weather permitting.

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Church Ladies With typewriters . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[JPGetty]

Well done!

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A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

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I didn't mean to anger you.

If I did I apologize.

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Maybe there is something there in the ofting?

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ask rover she knows me

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i'm a demure hussy ;)

[The Mhoney Badger!!]

I think your picture is atleast hot, and your jokes funny..

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well i for 1 think you're being a jerk of something that's none of your business

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why do u care

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Me a girl? Come on!

You a man? 50-50.

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peak up my skirt and tell me

i think you're girl

[JPGetty]

Just curious.....are you female? Or a male working under the veil of a female-appearing avatar?

Come clean now.

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oh ha you're a big boy

i'm certain you know what goes where and why ;)

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Bombers? Virgins? Draw me a picture. I'm missing something here.

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72 Questions about the 72 virgins

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?

2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or
is he stuck with 71?

3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?

4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?

5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes
till he comes of age?

6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?

7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still
get credit?

8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-
soixante-deux?

9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?

10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want
anything todo with him?

11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?

12) Is there an age of consent?

13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or
are they "born again"?

14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?

15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it
cheating?

16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're
not satisfied?

17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?

18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?

19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?

20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?

21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?

22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?

23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?

24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys? [seems
that this comes from the US....]

25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?

26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?

27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?

28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?

29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the
charges didn't go off?

30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?

31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?

32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?

33) If so, are there 72 available?

34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?

35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and
get 72 more virgins?

36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just
one 72 year old virgin?

37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?

38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?

39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?

40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?

41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?

42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?

43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?

44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?

45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?

46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?

47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"

48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?

49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?

50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?

51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?

52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?

53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?

54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?

55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?

56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?

57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?

58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?

59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?

60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?

61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?

62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?

63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?

64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?

65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?

66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put thebomber together again?

67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?

68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?

69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?

70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?

71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?

72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

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Better yet, can they be awarded claims on acts of God?

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Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

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How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

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Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

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Ok, then.......I lust for her madly.

Please forgive my sin.

I am a weak man.

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Never underestimate the power of the middle finger.

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why truthfully, of coarse

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How am I to reply?

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Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

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Da Ten Commandments - Ebonics Style

1. I be God. Don' be dissin' me.

2. Don' be makin' no hood ornaments outa me ner
nuffin' in my crib.

3. Don' be callin' me for no reason - homey don' play
dat.

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.

5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if y'all know who ya daddy
is, don' dis him neiver.

6. Don' ice ya bros.

7. Stick to ya own woman.

8. Don' be liftin' no goods.

9. Don' be frontin' like you all dat an' no snitchin'
on ya homies.

10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, ner nuffin'.

[Specalculator1]

What a Joke, "change"

When Obman ran for president it was based on "change" what he failed to mention was that is was "pocket Change".

Thats what you will be left with when he gets finished robbing everyone while on VACATION.

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absolutely ;)

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Good one!

[JPGetty]

Hilarious !!! A humdinger, for sure!!!

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A golfer from Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it sure is good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once...sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a priest in a small parish.

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After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either"

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The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

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A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.

When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five!"

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The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves!"

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One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in Here?"

"I know" a little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"

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It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by"

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a

while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of
your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest

then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding
and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still
a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."


The rabbi! then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and
then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the
house.

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was.

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd
fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times
already!!!"