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An outstanding combination.
Makes sense to me. lol
How about a Malaysian woman who's a tiger? I don't think I'd mind that too much. lol
In your (justified) case, just refrain from
meeting Malaysian tigers
You could be right, but I'm not too keen on having another wife. Had two in the past and didn't work out too well. lol
Too bad, it seems a wife (with a soup ladle) is
much better than a life insurance policy .......
It's pretty tight back there. I don't think she'd fit. lol
You'd better carry a wife back there too.. LOL
That's why I always carry a soup ladle in my back pocket. lol
Malaysia tiger mauling stopped by wife with soup ladle
A man has been rescued from a near-fatal attack by a tiger in northern Malaysia by his wife.
She entered the fray wielding a wooden soup ladle at the tiger - which fled.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12446232
LOL That school must have sex education in the 1st grade.
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a
well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by
first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading,
keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because
the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses........until they stop running.
2.Strike while the.........bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before........Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of........termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but.......How?
6.Don't bite the hand that...........looks dirty.
7.No news is.....impossible.
8.A miss is as good as a.........Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new.....Math.
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust......Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the......pigs.
13.An idle mind is.......the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
15.Happy is the bride who.....gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is....not much.
17.Two's company, three's.....the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....
You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as....Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed....get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you....see in the picture
on the box.
24.When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand...is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than....pregnant
Interesting fact and very much on the mark. lol
Definitions
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better..
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have .... similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!
The old ones are usually the better ones and you don't get tired of hearing/reading them.
Here's an oldie;
THE GOLDEN TELEPHONE
While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.
Throughout Italy , I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same:
It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.
Then - I continued my tour and arrived in Israel . I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."
"Rabbi," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"
The rabbi smiled and said,"You're in Israel now. It's a local call."
The way he talks, he doesn't need a parachute. lol
An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die..." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hilary Clinton, said, “I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the Secretary of State. For the sake of international stability, I need a parachute.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, President Barack Obama said, "I'm President of the United States of America. Our country needs intelligent solutions, and as a former Harvard Law School professor, I am the only person who can offer those solutions. Americans can't afford for me to die.” So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Rabbi, and said, “I am old and frail so I don't have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Rabbi turned to him and said, "Thank you, but it's really okay.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's most intelligent president has just taken my Tallis bag."
I guess I won't be able to move there. I like having a couple of chicks around the house.
Chickens banned from crossing road LOL
Owen Jacques | 28th January 2011
A CHICKEN crossing the road is no longer a joke – it's a punishable offence.
The Sunshine Coast council is pulling laws from all three now-amalgamated regions – some being dumped and others adopted.
Before the new rules are rolled out for public comment, it is worth a peek at what exactly could land you in trouble.
If you're a fancier of pheasants or peacocks, you are not to keep them in an urban area.
The same goes for pigeons.
Want a beehive? Not on a block smaller than 400sq m, and if you want two, it needs to be bigger again.
But it is classic comedy that appears to be at risk with the new bylaws.
If you “introduce poultry” to a local government controlled area or road, you are indulging in “prohibited conduct”.
There is to be no hitting of golf balls with the exception of putting and no vehicles may be repaired on the road unless it is an emergency.
President of the Sunshine Coast Aviculturalist Society Graham Kelly, an avid bird fan, owns a pheasant and lives in an urban area.
He said his ageing fowl, Phil the Pheasant, was a “quiet old bloke who sits in the corner”.
“It's a complete and utter surprise to me,” he said.
“I've had one old pheasant for years.
“I haven't had any complaints.”
Mr Kelly said he saw it as an unfair law that seemed ridiculous.
Cr Tim Dwyer said there was certain to be controversy around the animal management laws.
“There were specific differences between councils, just a little different and reflecting a different attitude,” he said.
“This brings them into one.
“There has been a lot of interest in laws around animal management, including dog off-leash areas.
“It's going to be interesting.”
Cr Dwyer said the council would now prepare a list of laws that had changed, but warned that many were not new, simply ignored or forgotten about.
He said council had to streamline the laws after amalgamation.
Members of the public whose feathers might be ruffled can comment on the draft rules before they are enshrined in law.
DRAFT LAWS
These laws will now go to public comment from late February until late March before being adopted.
Prohibited conduct on council roads or areas:
Hit a golf ball except putting
Introduce or release any exotic aquatic animal or poultry
Tout for business.
Repair a vehicle on road or footpath except in an emergency (applies to all roads).
Prohibition on keeping animals:
Roosters, pheasants, peacocks and pigeons are not to be kept in urban areas.
A beehive must not be kept on a lot smaller than 400sqm.
Confusingly, “More than five beehives must not be kept on a lot greater than 1000sqm and less than 2000sqm”.
Exclusion of animals, unless a sign allows:
On the beach or foreshore.
Near bathing reserves
Within 5m of playground or BBQs.
Horses at any other park or reserve.
Our budget problem is solved. lol
Congress has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment Benefits.
Starting next Monday the forms will only be printed in English.
I have experienced all 3 cases. LOL
Started over with the right one and have learned my lesson.(not really) lol
Some People Say There Is NO Difference Between COMPLETE & FINISHED
But There IS:
When You Marry The Right ONE, You Are COMPLETE.
When You Marry The Wrong ONE, You Are FINISHED.
AND
When The Right ONE Catches You With The Wrong ONE, You Are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
That's where I'd put my money.
Both is a safe bet
Happens too often. We seem to never learn. It may not even matter. It's going to end up either your fault or ours. Probably both.
Indeed true, Obama was too quick to intervene,
quite prematurely i would think.
You never know. I wish our govt would keep their mouth shut until we see where this settles. You never know what may come back to haunt you.
I do not think Egypt will turn an Islamic radical
country similar to Iran, but then, who can say???
Not a good time. I keep thinking of the Shah and what has taken place in Iran. I'll email you some stats.
That's how pyramids were created in the first place....
I think they're using pieces of the pyramids to throw at each other.
DEAR EGYPTIAN DEMONSTRATORS,
PLEASE DO NOT DAMAGE THE PYRAMIDS.
WE WILL NOT REBUILD!!!
-THE JEWS
Are you sure that's an arm? That guy has a very big smile on his face.
LOL He knows 98 more than I do. lol
During a sex education class in college a funny thing happened
one day
The professor arrived and said he'd be discussing positions that day and asked how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat
auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting up front. At first she
acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what
position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"
At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on "Potential
Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the lecture he asked if there
were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked: "Will there be a third world war?
Will Russia take part in it?"
The General answered both questions in the affirmative.
The officer asked: "Who will be the enemy?"
The General: "All indications point to China."
All the audience was shocked. The officer asked: "General, we are only 150
million Russians, there are 1500 million Chinese. Can we possibly win at
all?"
The General: "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the
quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East they
have had a few wars . . recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50
million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause the officer asked, " But do we have enough Jews?"
Why pay a doctor. lol I'll save the link and test myself every month to see if anything changes.
All in all sensible analysis
LOL I drew small ears. My girlfriend said that pig knows what's going on.
I drew huge ears, my wife said the interpretation
couldn't be correct.
It's pretty close to being correct. I knew I should have drawn a bigger tail. LOL
The link works safe, no doubt about that
Are you sure that link is Kosher?
Draw a pig; get analyzed
This is too funny and will save you money on a shrink!!
Click here: Draw A Pig
http://homosrus.com/drawpig.html
I could use that type of lighting in my bedroom. lol
LOL Unbelievable.
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