MOM'S SECRET ROOM

[cbfromli]

i got MOM this...just cause i wuvs her

[DUCKY]

shhhhhhhhhhh Sis Dean is sneaking in and letting us back in.

[cbfromli]

he did?....yikes...she better not find us here then..or we are toast

[DUCKY]

Or Gary! He got fired today.

[cbfromli]

my stash? i have mine with me...must be larry's

[DUCKY]

snif snif Hey I smell somethin funny coming out of the house. Smells Like weed. ohhhhhhhhhh no I think she found your stash.

[cbfromli]

is that why you were talking to kitty..she tossed me out too...

[DUCKY]

Sniff she kick us out our own house! My crib got tossed out the window along with my blankie and teddy bear. Sniff.

[cbfromli]

sure....i brought milk..

[DUCKY]

Some cookies. Mom hates it when I leave crumbs on the carpet. Want some?

[cbfromli]

shhhhhhhhhh.....did you bring something to eat

[DUCKY]

Quick hurry under the bed before she see us here.

[NovoMira]

An Empty Room

In autumn the silences grow loud.
The sounds become echoes.
I have been gone a long time, I
changed my name, the branch
I hung from has been cut.

In the room, there are only shadows.
They play across bare walls, there
are fresh spiders....
It is cold and so very lonely.

In autumn the silences grow loud.

[NovoMira]

Nice Grub..

Now go away! This board is closed.

[cbfromli]

cough...cough

[NovoMira]

Mornin' Gary......Shhhhhhh, don't tell. :)))

[hopscotch]

Thanks Big Guy. :)

[ONEBGG]

Thanks Hoppy, May your weekend be one of ease and joy.

[hopscotch]

Hope you have a great weekend Gary. You sure earned it! :)

[ONEBGG]

Amen.

[hopscotch]

Have fun and be safe Peggy Sue!

God bless those kids and their families.

[ONEBGG]

Yep, anditisreallyreallyreallylong, LOL!!!

[ONEBGG]

[NovoMira]

Right....your school starts...as it should, after Labor Day.

My friend, who is a schoolteacher... comes home each day so exhausted she's in bed by eight o'clock. She told me it's not the kids...it's the heat that does her in.

BTW, she told me this evening they were told to bring all their shots up to date as our school system has accepted students from New Orleans.

[hopscotch]

No big plans girlie. Gonna do fall shopping and get the lil guy set up for school on Wednesday.

[NovoMira]

Hi Hoppy...Labor Day kinda sneaked up on me so didn't make any plans for the weekend...but that's okay. I'm looking forward to just having some peace and quiet for a change.

You got big plans? If so, have a great time, gal. :)

[hopscotch]

How are ya Peggy Sue? Hope you have a great holiday! :)

[nlightn]

you are quite welcome :)

[NovoMira]

Uh Oh....but you need a password to enter, Hoppy. ;)

[NovoMira]

Hey nl....thanks for the information.

There was one particular charity I was interested in but when the number was flashed on TV I wasn't able to copy it fast enough.

Thank you for including it. ;)

[nlightn]

for those interested in participating in donations for the Katrina disaster:

let your heart be your guide

American Red Cross
www.redcross.org
800-HELP NOW (435-7669) English,
800-257-7575 Spanish

Operation Blessing
www.ob.org
800-436-6348

America’s Second Harvest
www.secondharvest.org
800-344-8070

Adventist Community Services
www.adventist.communityservices.org
800-381-7171

Catholic Charities USA
www.catholiccharitiesusa.org
800-919-9338

Christian Disaster Response
www.cdresponse.org
941-956-5183 or 941-551-9554

Christian Reformed World Relief Committee
www.crwrc.org
800-848-5818

Church World Service
www.churchworldservice.org
800-297-1516

Convoy of Hope
www.convoyofhope.org
417-823-8998

Lutheran Disaster Response
www.ldr.org
800-638-3522

Mennonite Disaster Service
www.mds.mennonite.net
717-859-2210

Nazarene Disaster Response
www.nazarenedisasterresponse.org
888-256-5886

Presbyterian Disaster Assistance
www.pcusa.org
800-872-3283

Salvation Army
www.salvationarmyusa.org
800-SAL-ARMY (725-2769)

Southern Baptist Convention -- Disaster Relief
www.namb.net
800-462-8657, ext. 6440

United Jewish Communities
www.ujc.org
877-277-2477

United Methodist Committee on Relief
gbgm-umc.org
800-554-8583

[hopscotch]

LOL Gary... Mom's secret is a secret no more. :)

[ONEBGG]

United Way

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

[ONEBGG]

Screwed

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[ONEBGG]

Bronze Statue

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[ONEBGG]

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[ONEBGG]

Lawyers Are Full Of Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[ONEBGG]

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son...

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!"

[ONEBGG]

The Negotiator

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. He then asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

The women looks at him and says, "You know for a million dollars, sure."

The Lawyer then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?"

The women is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"

The lawyer then looks at her and says, "Well, we have already established that fact. Now we are just negotiating."

[ONEBGG]

Lawyer VS. Insurance

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[ONEBGG]

Stella Awards

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

[ONEBGG]

Can We Sue?

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." Responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' Can I sue Budwiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

[ONEBGG]

Honest

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

[ONEBGG]

Removing the Ten Commandments

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

[ONEBGG]

Lawyer and a Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

[ONEBGG]

Pearly Gates

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[ONEBGG]

Lab Rat

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.

There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!"

[ONEBGG]

Pact with the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[ONEBGG]

United Way

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[ONEBGG]

Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer

You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."