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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed.
However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.
John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity".
I bought a circus and got a fair deal.
I ran into problems right away: the truck driver refused to tow the lion; the lion ate a clown but it tasted funny; and there was a huge fire and the heat was in tents.
The human cannonball got fired. It was hard to find another of the same caliber
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road
Dyslexic man walks into a bra....
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
You summed it up nicely...#msg-527030
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
Oh no.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything that is, except the smoked salmon.
Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy man asks, "You want that pasteurized?"
"Nah," the man replied. "Up to my chin should do it."
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as "Dogless Fairbanks."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West, slides up to the bar, and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication
A budhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"
He gives the vendor twenty bucks and says "hey, where's my change?"
The hot dog vendor says "change must come from within"
Fishing tale easy swallow: Norwegian lands halibut too big for his boat
OSLO, Norway (AP) - Unlike many fishermen, Harald Skoge didn't have to exaggerate the size of his latest catch. The 146-kilogram halibut was too big for his nearly nine-metre-long boat.
Skoge, who fishes as a hobby, was trying his luck off western Norway with a simple hook and line Wednesday when he thought something had gone wrong.
"At first, I thought the hook had gotten stuck at the bottom," the retiree was quoted as saying in Friday's edition of his local newspaper, Sunnmoersposten.
Slowly, he was able to roll in the line, and realized something very, very big was on the end. When the giant halibut broke the surface, he realized it was too big to haul into his boat.
"I had to tow it to land," he told the newspaper.
After three hours of towing the fish, he was able to deliver it to a local fish processing plant, which weighed and bought the catch.
According to Skoge, the fish's head alone weighed 19 kilograms, more than many anglers can claim for their whole catch.
Kraft halts production of contoversial roadkill-shaped candy
CHRIS NEWMARKER
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) - Production of candy shaped like roadkill has come to a screeching halt. The decision, announced Friday by Kraft Foods Inc., was the result of an outcry by New Jersey animal rights activists who said the candy encouraged children to be cruel to animals.
"We take comments from our consumers really seriously and, in hindsight, we understand that this product could be misunderstood," said Kraft spokesman Larry Baumann.
Kraft plans to stop production as soon as possible and then sell off remaining inventory, Baumann said.
The fruity-flavoured Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy - shaped like flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels, complete with tire treads - hit store shelves last summer and was supposed to be another offbeat and unusual addition to Kraft's Gummi candy line.
But the nonprofit New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals thought differently. Earlier this week, it threatened petition drives, boycotts and letter-writing campaigns.
Stuart Rhodes, the organization's president, said he never thought his group's efforts would be so successful.
"Did I think it would happen as fast as I did? No. I guess like most people I've become very cynical. All too often it seems that profit rules all. This was refreshing," Rhodes said.
The state of New Jersey designates the NJSPCA the enforcer of its animal cruelty laws. Law enforcement takes up a large part of the group's efforts, but Rhodes has stressed more public advocacy since he took over a year ago.
This is the first time the organization has complained to a company about a product, Rhodes said.
Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. is in the process of acquiring the Trolli brand along with other Kraft candy lines as part of a $1.48 billion US deal.
Extortionists, Australian company communicated in coded newspaper ads
SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - Extortionists used a 400-year-old code made famous in the best-selling novel The Da Vinci Code to communicate with a company they were trying to blackmail, an Australian newspaper reported Friday.
Sydney's Daily Telegraph said the blackmailers demanded the equivalent of almost $49 million Cdn and threatened to shoot crane operators working for the global construction company Multiplex. The missives were encrypted with the code made famous in Dan Brown's novel.
The Telegraph said it discovered the message exchange when it noticed odd characters in the Feb. 19 edition of The Weekend Australian national newspaper, which read: svgucsk bfptat nskweum ds mz yxtqa - lvjxplbgzcj.vts.
When decoded, it appeared to be a message from the construction company to the blackmailers reading: "Problem please contact me on email - armultiplex.biz."
Multiplex said in a statement this week that the extortion threat first came in a letter to the company's Sydney office last month. The statement made no mention of encrypted messages.
Multiplex spokesman Adam Roach said Friday that police have advised the company not to comment on the case. Police also declined to comment.
So far none of the company's employees have been injured at its construction sites around the world, including the restoration of London's landmark Wembley Stadium.
British judge loses patience with thief he labelled too stupid to jail
LONDON (AFP) - A British judge issued an arrest warrant for a car thief he had effectively labelled too stupid to jail after finally losing patience with the man.
In January, Judge Paul Dodgson admitted that he was unlikely to imprison Mohammed Zaman because his crime -- stealing a car and then driving it directly to a police station to confess -- was too unusual and idiotic.
"You have committed an offence for which, even with your record, you stand a reasonable chance of staying out of prison, because it is an odd offence," Dodgson told the 22-year-old, calling the crime "a little bizarre".
Adjourning the case for four weeks for sentencing, and allowing Zaman bail in the meantime, the judge added: "Frankly you are an idiot and I hope you realise that."
"I do," mumbled the hapless thief in response.
However, Zaman failed to show up for Wednesday's sentencing at London's Southwark Crown Court and after waiting for an hour and a half, Dodgson issued an arrest warrant permitting no bail.
The defendant lived so close that he "could have walked here by now", the judge noted.
Dognapper on trial in Iran
TEHRAN (AFP) - A young Iranian woman has gone on trial for kidnapping a dog, stealing its gold leash and robbing its owner of three million rials (337 dollars).
"A few months ago, my mother's nurse stole our valuable dog and demanded a ransom," the plaintiff in the case, who was only identified as 34-year-old Amir, was quoted Sunday as telling the court.
Amir said he agreed to hand over the cash to Sahar, but at the appointed payment time a group of six men turned up, beat him and returned the dog -- only described as being "expensive" -- but without its gold leash.
According to the Etemad newspaper, the family of the 25-year-old accused have in turn alleged the plaintiff had been engaged in "illegal" relations with Sahar.
Car-sized price for keeping a dog in Britain
LONDON (AFP) - The average dog in Britain costs 20,000 pounds (29,000 euros, 38,000 dollars) to look after over the course of its lifetime, more than a luxury car or round the world cruise.
In its annual Cost of a Dog report published on Sunday, pet insurer Churchill said the Great Dane was the most expensive dog, costing 31,840 pounds over its average 10-year life, followed by the Rottweiler at 24,340 pounds.
Mongrels costs 20,998 pounds, while Jack Russells were a relative bargain at 17,476 pounds, said the insurer, which released its findings ahead of Crufts, the world's biggest dog show, opening Thursday in Birmingham, central England.
By comparison, a Jaguar X-type, Saab 9-5 or Volkswagen Passat sell in Britain for around 20,000 pounds, which is also the same price for a round-the-world cruise on Queen Elizabeth II (news - web sites).
"With hundreds of dog lovers expected to visit Crufts this week, many will come away keen to add a pedigree dog to their family," said Julie Owens, Churchill's head of pet insurance.
"However, getting a dog is a serious, long-term financial commitment. We advise prospective dog owners to take a great deal of time choosing the most suitable pet for their finances and lifestyle".
The findings emerged from a survey of 2,000 adults conducted by polling institute YouGov.
Iranian wants to divorce smelly husband
TEHRAN (Reuters) - An Iranian woman has requested a divorce from her husband on the grounds that he has not washed for more than a year.
"My husband says he does not like water and does not want to take a shower ... He doesn't even wash his face when he wakes up in the morning," Mina, 36, was quoted as saying in court by the state-run Iran (news - web sites) newspaper.
When the couple first married eight years ago her husband was obsessively clean, she said.
"He spent hours taking showers three times a day and washed his hands every few minutes," Mina said. "But he suddenly changed ... Now nobody, including me, my children and his colleagues, can stand him."
Divorce is a notoriously difficult process for women in Iran, who normally have to prove that their husband has neglected them financially or sexually, is a drug addict or physically abusive.
Scalded skin? Try sheep dung and goose grease
LONDON (Reuters) - Take two puppies, cut off their heads and collect the blood, reads the 17th century instructions -- not for some voodoo rite but to cure pimples among the middle class.
Weird health and beauty recipes have been around for a long time. Now two old manuscripts, found at a British stately home and coming up for auction, suggest some truly odd cures for everyday ailments.
The 300-year-old cookery, medical and household recipe books, lavishly illustrated and with elaborate script, give advice on almost everything, from treating burns to getting rid of freckles, said manuscript specialist Luke Batterham.
"These books are a very direct insight into what people were interested in the late 17th century," Batterham told Reuters on Wednesday. "People seem to go a very long way for beauty, now and then."
One recipe advises to take "2 Puppies before they can see, chopp of their heads & hang them up by the heels to bleed", then mix with white wine to rid the patient of unsightly pimples.
Scalds and burns, another says, are best treated with a mixture of sheep's dung and fresh goose grease, while four-day-old lemon juice rubbed on the face is guaranteed to eradicate unwanted freckles.
The two books are expected to fetch a total or more than 2,000 pounds when they go for auction at Bonhams in London on March 15.
Maradona has stomach stapled to lose weight
CARTAGENA, Colombia (Reuters) - Former Argentina soccer World Cup-winning captain Diego Maradona has had his stomach stapled to reduce his ballooning waistline, his Colombian doctors say.
Maradona, 44, had the two-hour operation in the picturesque port city of Cartagena on Colombia's Caribbean coast.
"Everything went well," Francisco Holguin, head of Cartagena's Medihelp clinic, where the operation was performed, told reporters on Saturday.
He said the former superstar, who is 5-foot-6-inch tall weighed 121 kg (19 stone) when he checked in, will spend three days in the clinic recovering.
The former midfielder only stopped playing professionally in 1997 but has grown almost unrecognisably fat in recent years despite spending much of his time in a Cuban clinic fighting cocaine addiction.
Maradona, considered with Brazil's Pele to be one of the finest soccer players of all time, will be fed intravenously for two days before going on a two-week liquid diet to be followed by solid foods, his doctors told a news conference. He is expected to remain in Colombia for about two weeks.
"In eight to 10 months he should be back to his ideal weight of 75 kg (12 stone)," Holguin added.
Stomach stapling, also known as a gastric bypass, reduces the stomach's capacity for holding food and bypasses part of the small intestine, forcing individuals to eat less.
Maradona, whose audacious playing propelled his home country Argentina to World Cup victory in 1986, spent more than a week in the intensive care unit of a Buenos Aires hospital last April with heart and breathing problems. He was then confined to a psychiatric clinic by his family.
In September, he returned to Cuba, where he has lived since 2000, to undergo more treatment for drug addiction but under a stricter regime than before.
Woman Injured After Hiding in Septic Tank
FORT SMITH, Ark. - Getting tanked has a whole new meaning for a woman on the lam. Brandy Shante Moss, 19, decided that police wanting to talk to her about a domestic dispute complaint would never think to look in a septic tank. They did.
Officer Danny Baker found Moss in her hideout and stepped on the tank to arrest her.
The tank collapsed on Moss, injuring her badly enough that she had to go to the hospital.
Baker and his colleagues responding to the call Tuesday had seen a man and a woman run from a house to an abandoned one nearby. The woman, Moss, found the septic tank behind the abandoned house.
After being treated, Moss was booked into the Sebastian County Jail on suspicion of fleeing apprehension and two counts of third-degree domestic battery. She also was held on warrants for contempt and failure to comply with a court order.
Woman Needs Lift, Allegedly Takes Cruiser
CARNEGIE, Pa. - A woman who apparently needed a ride home from a bar drove off in a police cruiser that was parked outside a police station, an officer said.
Theresa E. Zygula, 49, was charged Wednesday with theft and driving under the influence for stealing a police car that morning, said police Chief Jeff Harbin.
Zygula left a bar after it had closed and walked across the street to the Pittsburgh suburb's police department, Harbin said. She knocked on the offices' door, but when she didn't get a response, Zygula drove away in the police car, he said.
An officer using the restroom left his cruiser unattended with the engine running, Harbin said.
"She told officers later that she only had 80 cents on her and she had no way to get home," Harbin said.
Police found the car parked on a street later that morning. Footprints in the snow led officers from the car to a house in which Zygula was staying, Harbin said.
Zygula did not have a phone number listed under her name and could not immediately be reached for comment Wednesday night. It was not clear if she had an attorney.
I wanna go back to school...Substitute Teacher Fired Over Sex Photos
SAN ANTONIO - A substitute teacher at a local high school was fired last month after students were shown photographs of the woman having sex, school district officials say. The photos were on the teacher's camera phone, which was passed around a health class at Judson High School.
"This teacher obviously didn't have her heart in the right place and didn't have enough sense to actually know what was right and wrong in the classroom," said Sean Hoffman, a spokesman for the Judson Independent School District.
The 28-year-old woman was not identified by the district, which was not sure if she passed the phone around or if students somehow got ahold of the device in another way.
Either way, Hoffmann said, it was wrong for those images to be available at the school and the woman was abruptly fired Feb. 15.
"There were several pictures on there that were inappropriate," he said.
Officials say the woman had been a substitute in the Judson ISD for only a month before the photo incident occurred.
Bubba the Leviathan Lobster to Live On
PITTSBURGH - A gigantic lobster that may have survived two world wars and Prohibition before being plucked from the ocean will live on — but only as a shell of its former self.
The Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium plans to keep the shell of the 22-pound lobster, named Bubba, and use its remains to educate school children, said Rachel Capp, a zoo spokeswoman.
Some of Bubba's meat will be sent to labs for testing as officials try to determine why Bubba died, Capp said Thursday.
Bubba spent a week at Wholey's fish market after he was pulled from the waters off Nantucket, Mass. He died Wednesday, after he was moved from the fish market to a quarantine area at the zoo's aquarium. He was being checked to see if he was healthy enough to make a trip to an aquarium at a Ripley's Believe It or Not museum.
Randy Goodlett, a marine biologist and former curator and director of the zoo's Aqua Zoo, said the lobster likely died because something was slightly off in the salt water mixture it was living in. Capp guessed it might have been the stress of being moved so many times.
Based on how long it typically takes a lobster to reach eating size — about five to seven years to grow to a pound — some estimated Bubba was about 100 years old. Marine biologists said 30 to 50 years was more likely.
Court: Piercing Doesn't Change DWI Test
INDIANAPOLIS - The Indiana Supreme Court says that having a pierced tongue doesn't invalidate a drunk-driving breath test.
The court ruled in the case of Brenna Guy, an Indianapolis woman who argued that her tongue stud was a "foreign substance" in her mouth, which invalidated the test.
She was given a breath test in 2001 after being pulled over for driving on the wrong side of an Indianapolis street.
State law says no foreign substance can be placed in a person's mouth during the 20 minutes before a breath test is administered because it might skew the results of the test.
But the court ruled 4-0 against Guy, saying she had the stud in her mouth for more than 20 minutes before the breath test.
Couple Find Rare Sports Cards in Basement
FERNDALE, Mich. - A search for a water leak resulted in a rare find for a Michigan couple. Hidden in the basement ceiling of their home, Barbara and Harley Earl found tobacco cards from 1910-11 that could fetch thousands at an auction this weekend.
Barbara Earl, 55, thought she heard water dripping two summers ago, so she told her husband to take a look. When he inspected the basement with a flashlight, he discovered a box in the rafters, unnoticed for the 20 years they had lived in the home.
"You couldn't really see it; it was back a little bit," Harley Earl, a retired middle school teacher, told the Detroit Free Press for a Thursday story.
When the Earls opened the box, they found more than 300 Sweet Caporal cigarette cards. About 200 of the cards featured baseball players from 1910, including multiple copies of Tigers outfielder Ty Cobb and Giants pitcher Christy Mathewson.
The other hundred cards depicted cowboys, Indians, lighthouses and famous buildings.
The box belonged to Barbara's grandfather, Russell Wetmore, who originally purchased the house in 1923. Along with the cards were several mementos that Wetmore kept, including a report card from elementary school.
The Earls had discovered other items Barbara Earl's grandparents hid in the house. But this box marked the first time they had discovered something of significant monetary value.
8-Year-Old Arrested After Alleged Tantrum
WILLIAMSBURG, Va. - Police arrested an 8-year-old boy who allegedly had a violent outburst in school, head-butting his teacher and kicking an assistant principal, when he was told he couldn't go outside to play with other students.
The 4-foot pupil was led away from Rawls Byrd Elementary School in handcuffs Tuesday and charged with disorderly conduct and assault and battery.
"It's not something that happens every day," Maj. Stan Stout said of what could be the department's youngest arrest ever.
Stout said the chair-tossing, desk-turning outburst occurred after a teacher, and later the assistant principal, attempted to stop the boy from joining his classmates.
The child was later released to his parents.
Quirky Festival Honors Frozen Dead Guy
BOULDER, Colorado - Over the last three years, the cryogenically frozen body of a Norwegian man has become the centerpoint of a quirky winter festival in a small Colorado mining town.
"Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel, who died in 1989, was frozen by his grandson and stored in a shed in Nederland, a town 35 miles northwest of Denver that began celebrating "Frozen Dead Guy Days" in 2002 to increase tourism.
Now the man's daughter, 75-year-old Aud Morstoel, is hoping Norway's King Harald V and Queen Sonja will help her secure a visa to attend the festival. The royal couple also have been invited by Nederland's Chamber of Commerce (news - web sites) to visit and "partake in the fun and parody of the weekend."
Aud Morstoel was invited to serve as the parade marshal for the March 11-13 celebration, but her application for a visa has yet to be approved, her son said.
Trygve Bauge, who submitted the request to Norway's king and queen, said his mother's application has been held up in part because she was convicted for drunk driving in Colorado and she overstayed her last visa before returning to Norway.
"They should have given us this a long time ago," he said Thursday from Norway.
Bauge, who froze his 89-year-old grandfather in hopes he can someday be revived or cloned, was deported in 1994 for immigration violations. His mother returned shortly thereafter, four months after her visa expired.
A caretaker has replenished the ice when necessary since Bauge was deported.
Construction Worker Shoots Himself in Eye
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - A construction worker accidentally shot himself in the eye with a nail gun and then pulled the 2 1/2-inch nail out of his face, according to a police report and a co-worker.
Joseluis Franco, 19, was using an air-powered, Hitachi nail gun to help build a home Wednesday when a nail bounced back and lodged in his eye, crew leader Rogelio Ocampo said. Franco was nailing a two-by-four to concrete when the nail ricocheted.
Franco was conscious when police arrived at the scene and was taken to St. Mary's Medical Center in West Palm Beach, where he was treated and released. Police said Friday they don't know the condition of Franco's eye.
Originally from a town near Acapulco, Mexico, Franco has been in the construction business for about three weeks, Ocampo said.
"I don't know what's going to happen to him," Ocampo said. "I don't know if the insurance is going to cover his bills or anything."
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