John Fugelsang:
Friends, we gather today to mourn the passing of irony, which finally died this week. You know, it was irony who first showed us that white supremacists continue to be the best argument against the concept of white supremacy.
It was irony that revealed that people must get really stoned to realize that when Dylan sang, “Everybody must get stoned,” he wasn’t really talking about getting stoned.
But alas, this week, the pressure of being the expression of one’s meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect, became too much for irony when Fox News interviewed the convicted government cover-up master former Lt. Col. Oliver North about an alleged cover-up in Benghazi.
The levels of irony, mixed with a toxic cocktail of hypocrisy and ignorance — and a hubris chaser — proved too much and led to irony hanging itself in grief.
We’ll all remember how tough irony was and how misunderstood. People always confused it with sarcasm. Back in the ’90s, Alanis Morissette had a top 10 single where she confused irony with coincidence for over three minutes. That in itself was so ironic, it sent irony into a deep depression, which took months to get over.
But irony, my friends, was finally done in, this week, by this:
Oliver North: “The abysmal lack of human intelligence. … The evidence of massive bureaucratic ineptness, incompetence, mis-feasance. … The falsified talking points provided to people who were going to speak publicly about it.”
Following that interview, law enforcement revealed that throughout America, kettles have reported mass incidents of being called black by pots, and tragically, upon hearing the word “mis-feasance” from Col. North, 2,000 dictionaries also committed mass suicide.
Even worse is the fact that the irony of this interview was lost on the Fox viewing audience, who know Oliver North not as the former National Security Council staff member who shredded thousands of documents that would have exposed his participation in a wide range of crimes related to the illegal sale of American weapons to Iran; arming both sides of the Iran-Iraq War — both sides of the same war; violating the Boland Act by illegally funding the Contras of Central America; instructing his secretary, Fawn Hall, to destroy evidence so as to obstruct any government investigation; and lying about all of this to Congress. But rather, they know him as that guy who makes Sean Hannity so excited and giggly, you can see Sean’s nipples protruding through his polyester suit.
You see, irony couldn’t handle the irony of it all and was so overcome with irony, it took its own life to avoid more irony.
Now, during the Iran-Contra hearings, Col. North said the entire Reagan administration knew about the plan, which he described as “neat.” He was subsequently convicted of obstruction of justice, shredding documents and illegally receiving a security fence for his own home.
North also called the anti-Sandinista Contras “freedom fighters,” the same phrase the Reagan administration used for the Taliban back in the ’80s — which, ironically, led to irony’s first suicide attempt.
But poor irony couldn’t handle the fact that Reagan and Bush ran in 1980 pledging to never negotiate with terrorists, then had Col. North illegally sell weapons to the same Iranians who helped kill our Marines in Beirut; lied about the amount of weapons; lied about the amount of shipments; used the money to illegally fund the civilian-killing Contras in Central America after stuffy old Congress passed that Boland Act law saying they couldn’t.
Reagan testified that he couldn’t recall authorizing the sale of weapons to an enemy nation. Oliver North lied about it to Congress, got off on a technicality. And on Christmas Day 1992, lame duck President George H.W. Bush pardoned everyone convicted of Iran-Contra crimes and they all walked away clean.
And Bill Clinton got impeached for whipping it out in front of the help.
Of course, any Republican will tell you, “No, no, Bill Clinton wasn’t impeached for sex, it was for lying under oath.” The irony being if Republicans cared about lying under oath, Oliver North wouldn’t be working for Fox, he’d be biting the pillow in a federal pen as we speak.
Irony is survived by its cousin, wit, and its very distant relatives, sarcasm and snark.
Fox News plans to follow up the Oliver North cover-up interview with segments featuring tax tips from Wesley Snipes, Ryan O’Neal parenting suggestions and relationship advice from Jodi Arias.
