Tornado Alley (PROG)

[BOREALIS]

Things I've Learned from Republicans During Primary Season

Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday
Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 05:48 AM PDT
by Bill in Portland Maine

I know there's a ways to go before the GOP anoints its candidate, but to me it seems like the liveliest stretch of the campaign season is sealed in amber. Bachmann: out. Cain: out. Huntsman: [however you say "out" in Mandarin Chinese]. Gingrich: functionally out. No more debates. No more state fairs. While the memories are still fresh, here are a few of the things that I learned from the candidates over the last eight months:

> Social Security is a Ponzi scheme except when it's not and we must kill it to save it.
> The unemployment rate doesn’t matter.
> Building a colony on the moon is possible within 8 years.
> It takes 13,000 people living on a moon colony before it can apply for statehood.
> Building a fence that electrocutes Mexicans at the border will teach them a lesson
> Elvis was born on the day he died.
> Having a $500,000 revolving account at Tiffany's is no big deal--everybody has one.
> Corporations are people.
> It's acceptable to boo active-duty servicemembers who happen to be gay.
> 10 dollars in budget cuts in exchange for 1 dollar in tax increases is unacceptable.
> Satan has settled in America disguised as energy-efficient light bulbs.
> The rich are hurting and deserve tax cuts.
> The poor and unemployed are slacking and deserve benefit cuts.
> All our problems can be solved with a 9-9-9 plan.
> The press is made up of meanies.
> The best form of contraception is holding an aspirin between your knees.
> Political appointees of the Muslim faith need to sign a loyalty oath.
> Gay people can get married anytime as long as it's to a member of the opposite sex.
> Dogs love roaring down the highway strapped to the top of a car.
> Allowing the housing crisis to achieve the worst-case nightmare scenario is the wise thing to do.
> The auto industry's spectacular rise from the ashes wasn't done correctly so the results are illegitimate.
> Children are not scrubbing enough toilets.
> A politician who cheats on his wife is doing it out of fierce patriotism.
> A pregnancy created via rape or incest is a magical gift.
> Three federal departments that must be eliminated are Commerce, Education, and the third one.
> Trees in Michigan are the right height.
> If you can't afford health insurance and you get sick, have the courtesy to die before you get to the emergency room.
> HPV vaccinations cause mental retardation.
> America is the most powerful nation on the planet. Porn is going to destroy it.
> Lobbyists and historians are interchangeable.
>Barack Obama bailed out the banks in the fall of 2008 when he was president.
> Corn dogs yum!

My therapist thanks them all for sending me to him three days a week.

Oh, and a quick shoutout to Kossacks Blue aardvark, Bubbanomics and DixonCider, who all came up with the winning name for the C&J mascot: "Socialist Duckstick." A noble name that we hope it lives up to. Thanks to everyone who voted---it was a nice distraction. Now back to our regularly scheduled mayhem…

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/03/21/1076098/-Cheers-and-Jeers-Wednesday