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Hello, sinner! What are you guilty of today?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
February 16, 2011 04:00 AM

The launch of an iPhone app that guides Catholics through confession has prompted a furious response from gay rights groups, who accuse it of "promoting anti-gay spiritual abuse"... Among the questions users are asked is: "Have I been guilty of any homosexual activity?" -Guardian UK [ http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/feb/13/catholic-app-iphone-gay-rights ]

Greetings wayward sinner!

Have you done anything unconscionable today? Have you engaged in any thought pattern, activity or perhaps even a strange interpretive dance that might be considered, well, dirty?

What about blasphemous? Heathenish? Maybe even (ohplease ohplease) sexually deviant or deliciously filthy in the eyes of a panicky, manic depressive God? Something that would make priests swoon, Mormons moan and more than a few Republican senators run off to the bathhouse for a hot sweat and a rubdown?

Of course you have. In fact, we know you have. You clicked on this very story, yes? Slightly titillated by the headline? Browser cookies enabled? Facebook status updates [ http://www.facebook.com/markmorfordyes ] set to "Friends of Friends?" Enjoy the smell of lavender body oil in the morning? Like to wiggle? Thought about sex in the past 4.6 minutes? Thank you. We have all the information we need.

Don't worry, we are here to help. After all, as everyone knows, sins are plentiful, pleasurable and addictive like cotton candy rainbow kisses in the hot tub of vodka Jell-O ecstasy Charlie Sheen 8-ball cocaine Lohan bunny rabbit Sarah Palin clown sex chocolate porn vibrator party. Or something.

In other words, sins are everywhere. Sins are growing off the goddamn branches like ripe, dripping cherries in the sweet, sweet summertime, all sticky and tempting like that thing you do with your tongue in the morning that makes me gasp and thrash and grab the edge of the bed and ... Whoops, sorry. Sinful!

Of course, sins only exist if you actually believe in the dreadful concept, which means you also probably believe you are a flawed, miserable fleshball who can do nothing but sin, and therefore God -- who is, sadly, way, way out there, completely separate from you -- is ever staring down with those giant, disapproving eyes. Good thing so many people believe such nonsense, or we'd have nothing to work with, would we?

That said, we know how difficult it can be to admit all your transgressions, especially those you perform repeatedly, perhaps even as you're reading this column right now, squirming in your chair, sighing in your loins, hands wandering to your sinbits, wishing for a lap dance from a flirty little angel shaped like Megan Fox with a Matt Damon chaser.

So then, to make things easier for you, we're providing the following handy starter list of sins you might or might not have occupied yourself with lately, just to get you going. It's OK, you can thank us later. With that tongue thing. Shhh.

Simply click the boxes next to the sins you've accomplished, are thinking of accomplishing or often fantasize about accomplishing if you only had the time/sufficient olive oil/horseback riding equipment. Remember: There are no wrong answers, because in the eyes of this kind of God, every answer is a wrong answer. See? Shame is fun!

Recently, I have (Please click all that apply):

-- Engaged in homosexual activity against the will of the Catholic Church, John McCain and most of the Tea Party, even though they don't understand it yet because, you know, Tea Party.

-- Engaged in the above, but pretty much enjoyed the living hell out of it. So did the priest. And my staff sergeant.

-- Donned a mesh T-shirt, leapt on the kitchen table and brazenly danced to the new Lady Gaga gay anthem "Born This Way," which is a dead ringer for Madonna's "Express Yourself," which was a dead ringer for this horribly grating sound I heard coming out from under a passing school bus one day. My wife was slightly confused.

-- Enjoyed a recent Dan Savage advice column about the right and wrong way to fist your partner. In Utah. In public. I hope my mom didn't see me reading it.

-- Two words: Bristol Palin. Two more: Strap-on. Wait, that might be one word. Let me ask the priest.

-- Felt like hanging Barbara Bush (Jr.) up by her toes for publicly coming out in support of gay marriage [ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/31/barbara-bush-endorses-marriage-equality_n_816696.html ], long after it was remotely risky, long after it would've been about 100 times more helpful to do so, long after it would've made a tiny bit of a difference in the national dialogue. Yes, it's a fine gesture. Yes, we can applaud her public "awakening." Yes, better late than never. But still. Where were you -- and your silly mother -- six years ago?

-- Felt intense passion in my heart that led me to join a long-simmering protest that led to a massive rally that ultimately resulted in the overthrow of a repellant multi-billionaire dictator who's been propped up by the U.S. government to the tune of $2 billion a year for the past 30 years, and now my entire country is in the throes of a rather astonishing democratic revolution the likes of which we have never known and it might, just might, trigger an avalanche of protest and revolution across the entire region [ http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/16/world/middleeast/16bahrain.html ] and explode into a giant fireball of frustration against all manner of disgusting totalitarian Middle Eastern regimes led by hoary, out-of-touch old Islamic men who love to oppress/abuse women, despise gays and crush freedom of all kinds, but who still sell the U.S. copious amounts of oily lifeblood and befriend senators and invest billions in the perhaps greatest and most powerful god of all, the one you are never allowed to say a bad or sinful word against: American capitalism.

-- Tweeted a beautiful Rumi quote about how the divine you seek is already you. Also: John Travolta is gay. Same tweet!

-- Had sex with the lights on. They were stadium lights.

-- Posted passionate Facebook status update supporting revolution in Yemen. Immediately followed it with link to shocking story about how Emma Watson appears to be growing her super cute hair [ http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleybaccam/emma-watson-is-growing-her-hair-out ] out. OMG!

-- Defied angry Christian god for approximately one millionth time, this time by once again reminding all sentient, sexually active women in South Dakota [ http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/south-dakota-hb-1171-legalize-killing-abortion-providers ] to get the hell out, now.

-- Engaged in homosexual activity. Thought about confessing it, but then I might be forced to leave the seminary. Or the NFL. Or Saudi Arabia. Or my loveless marriage. Or junior high. Or Fox News. Or NASCAR. Or Kansas. Or Focus on the Family. Or the NRA. Or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Or the House of Representatives. Or John Travolta's bedroom.

-- Stopped caring long ago about anything the Catholic church says or does except when it's so delightfully silly and mockable that I can't help but take a moment to roll my eyes and laugh, before getting back to the ripe, sticky, delicious mess of real life.

© 2011 Hearst Communications Inc. (emphasis in original)

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2011/02/16/notes021611.DTL [with comments]

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