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The Cheney Files

The vice president's secret energy plan has fallen into our hands...

By Tony Hendra
Web Exclusive: 08.17.04

THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF HOUSTON

Thanks to an unidentified source in the office of Justice Scalia, Tony Hendra has acquired a copy of the confidential 2001 energy report which Vice President Dick Cheney was at such pains to conceal and the Court so obligingly let him continue to conceal. Some highlights:

FINAL REPORT OF THE CHENEY ENERGY TASK-FORCE
May 2001

NATIONAL ENERGY GOALS 2001-2020

SUPER TOP SECRET! WHITE HOUSE EYES ONLY!

Conferees: RUPERT MURDOCH, ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER, KENNETH LAY, DENNIS KOZLOWSKI, JIM BAKER, JIM (aka JAMAL) BIN LADEN, PRINCE BANDAR, CONRAD BLACK, RICHARD PERLE, PAUL WOLFOWITZ, DOUGLAS FEITH, OTTO JUAN REICH, AHMED CHALABI, JUSTICES SCALIA AND THOMAS, MARTHA STEWART, ROGER AILES, HAILEY BARBOUR AND THE FORTY THIEVES.

ALSO PRESENT: LYNNE CHENEY, PRESIDENT OF ‘ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH’; LAURA BUSH, SECRETARY-GENERAL OF THE ‘IT ISN’T EASY BEING GREEN PARTY’, ANNE COULTER, CHAIRPERSON, THE FORD SIERRA CLUB

PREAMBLE FROM PRESIDENT BUSH-CHENEY:

My Fellow Republican-Americans

We stand like new-born innocents on the thresh-hold of a brave new millennium. The BC (Bill Clinton) years are behind us; the AD (American Destiny) years lie ahead: a Promised Land of profit, glory and unfettered growth...

...oil and war have always been the twin outboards driving the cigarette boat of American economic dynamism. Our strategic reserves of both have sunk to disastrously low levels. As loyal Republican-Americans it is our duty to re-build the nation’s vast capacities in these key areas, by exploiting both our own reserves and taking what we need from others by any means necessary...

...as a testament to our new forward thinking, this will be the first government task-force whose seats are for sale (cash, goods or services accepted!) It will also be the first government report to sell ad space. Example: the handsome double-spread Halliburton ad on the following pages outlining the evils of open-bidding for government contracts. Even before the task-force opened for business this ad alone earned it $200 million! (Page rates below)

The Cheney Task Force Report is destined to be a document for the ages. That’s why we call it:

THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF HOUSTON!

Thank you all for coming,

Yours for a price,

Dick Bush-Cheney

DAY 1 INTRODUCTION: (KENNETH LAY, RICHARD PERLE):

ENERGY – WHAT IS IT, WHERE DOES IT COME FROM, WHO OWNS IT, WHY WE NEED SO MUCH, WHO PAYS FOR IT, WHERE DOES IT GO, WHY SHORTAGES ARE GOOD.

DAY 2 FISCAL OVERVIEW (ARTHUR ANDERSEN ASSOCIATES):

1. ‘POSITIVE’ ENERGY POLICY RELATIVE TO OVERT OR COVERT ‘CONTRIBUTIONS’ (EG ABOVE-MARKET-VALUE BUY-OUTS OF FAILING OIL COMPANIES, BELOW-MARKET-VALUE SHARES IN MAJOR-LEAGUE TEAMS, INTRODUCTIONS TO SAUDI ROYAL FAMILY)...

2. CURRENT PRIORITY POSITION OF EACH ENERGY INDUSTRY RELATIVE TO ‘GIFT-GIVING’ LEVELS. PROPOSED INDEX OF POSITIVE LEGISLATION PER ENERGY INDUSTRY ACCORDING TO ‘GIFT-GIVING’ LEVELS.

3. COST OF POSITIVE LEGISLATION – PURCHASE OF VOTES (SENATE) PURCHASE OF VOTES (HOUSE); RATE-DECREASE OVER PREVIOUS EIGHT FISCAL YEARS; URGENT NEED TO UPGRADE RATES.

4. BUDGET/CAPITAL OF TASK-FORCE: A. COSTS/BENEFITS OF TASK-FORCE SEATS; B. RUNNING EXPENSES OF TASK-FORCE VERSUS GROSS REVENUE (INCLUDING AD REVENUE): TOTAL NET PROFIT. C. PROPOSED DISTRIBUTION OF PROFIT TO OWNERS OF TASK-FORCE. D. LIST OF TASK-FORCE OWNERS (INCLUDES GEORGE BUSH THE ELDER, JAMES BAKER 3RD ROYAL SAUDI BANK, LACHLAN MURDOCH)

The bulk of the Task Force Report is divided into ‘Domestic Energy Goals’ and ‘Foreign Energy Goals’ Each section within the main two categories follows the same basic format: Problem/Opportunities, Solution/Implementation, Future Exploitation/Advantages. Each energy problem is a pretext for some major Bush-era domestic policy or trend.

Example:

CALIFORNIA

PROBLEM/OPPORTUNITY: Nation’s #1 energy consumer not paying enough, energy prices set by regulation-crazy, anti-free-market Democrats. Prime example: electricity. Californians use mad amounts of electricity: heating, air-conditioning (often at the same time), every gadget known to man – electric nose-hair-clippers, ice-cream softeners etc. etc.

SOLUTION: Use deregulation to manipulate power grid forcing state-wide power-shortages, brownouts. Subsequent chaos allows massive price-gouging, setting far higher ‘market-driven’ prices for power (actually fixed by power cartel), destabilizes state government, discredits Democrats.

FUTURE ADVANTAGES: Congressman Issa bankrolls recall of Grey Davis, Schwartzenegger runs, wins, gets shot at Big House in 2008 when cretin from Crawford stands down.

California can serve as template for other major states where Democrats or wobbly Republican centrists run show. Brain-dead steroidal troglodytes from WWF waiting in wings to become GOP Governors. Muscle-bound pinhead Goldberg poised to boot Pataki in New York State.

As mentioned in the (Vice-)President’s preamble the Report is peppered with ads from interested parties. Two typical examples:

CENTURY 21 (FULL-PAGE/DOUBLE-SPREAD)

VISUAL: MAP OF US SHOWS NEW EAST AND WEST COASTLINES SEVERAL HUNDRED MILES INLAND FROM EXISTING ONES.

HED: GLOBAL WARMING IS A FACT!

BODY COPY: DESPITE US GOVMT DENIALS GLOBAL WARMING WILL CAUSE OCEAN LEVELS TO RISE DRASTICALLY AND ENGULF ANNOYING ‘BLUE’ EAST AND WEST COAST STATES WITHIN A DECADE.

INVEST NOW IN ROCK-BOTTOM PRE-COASTAL REAL ESTATE!! FANTASTIC BARGAINS AVAILABLE IN PENNSYLVANIA, UTAH, IDAHO! KEEP THAT GLOBAL WARMING COMING! PULL OUT OF KYOTO NOW!

PAY-OFF LINE: BUY AT TODAY’S ROCK-BOTTOM PRICES FOR TOMORROW’S BILLION-DOLLAR BEACHFRONT!!

Kicking off the FOREIGN SECTION is this beauty:

CARLYLE GROUP RETIREMENT PLAN (FULL-PAGE DOUBLE SPREAD).

ED: CHECK OUT OUR UNBEATABLE RETIREMENT BENEFITS!!!

BULLET COPY: SECURE EXCLUSIVE REAL ESTATE IN GRAND CAYMAN, ANTIBES, ST BARTS, PHUKET! OFF-SHORE ACCOUNTS! INSIDER TRADING FREE OF FEDERAL SCRUTINY! UNTRACEABLE FINANCIAL INSTRUMENTS! 24-7 COMFORT SERVICES! (ALL GENDERS)

TEXT: ARE YOU CURRENTLY A US PRESIDENT, CABINET OFFICER, 4- OR 5-STAR GENERAL, CIA/PENTAGON/NSC TOP DOG?

LET US HELP YOU PLAN YOUR RETIREMENT! PAY NO MONEY PAY NO PREMIUMS! JUST SEND A MASSIVE GOVERNMENT CONTRACT OUR WAY ($5 BILLION MINIMUM) AND YOU’RE IN!

PAY-OFF LINE:THE CARLYLE GROUP. WORK FOR US NOW - WE’LL WORK FOR YOU LATER!

Part 2 - Foreign Energy Goals - kicks off predictably with a long section on the need to seize Iraq and its oil. Presented by Paul Wolfowitz, it is nonetheless subtitled ‘A Feith-Based Initiative’ Most surprising section? #5...

ALASKA

PROBLEM/OPPORTUNITY: What’s Alaska doing in the foreign column? Simple. There’s hardly any oil there, but it’s the perfect location to: Steal Russia’s Oil!: Alaskan rigs will appear to be sucking away at the North Slope’s puny reserves but will really be drilling diagonally under the Aleutians, Bering Straits and Kamchatka Peninsula, to tap into vast Siberian oil resources!

FUTURE ADVANTAGES: Decreases dependence on Arabs. Drains reserves from Russia. Unexpectedly vast reserves can be positioned to ‘base’ as ‘miraculous’ ‘a holy well’ of oil.

NB: important to drill in the wilderness to keep base happy. (Bible Quote on The Lord’s injunction to dominate nature TK) See also Footnote:

Footnote: Crucial to divert base’s attention from policies (e.g. ‘market-driven’ sky-high oil prices), that actually screw them. Plans include: covertly encouraging, then banning gay marriage, hacking internet porn,(‘we’re porn-free!’) expanding definitions of abortion to masturbation and coitus interruptus (partial-conception abortion); regular high-profile trials of black athletes and musicians. Includes instigating phony rape charges against black sports superstars and ‘accidentally’ disrobing a black female singer at the Superbowl. (Singer TBA)

Perhaps most telling of all is this simple legend centered on the back cover of the Report:

Proudly printed in India, by American-type workers.

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Tony Hendra is an author and an actor. His bestselling book, Father Joe: The Man Who Saved My Soul, was published by Random House.

Copyright © 2004 by The American Prospect, Inc. http://www.prospect.org Preferred Citation: Tony Hendra, "The Cheney Files", The American Prospect Online, Aug 17, 2004.

http://www.prospect.org/web/page.ww?section=root&name=ViewWeb&articleId=8365