Guys if you are into a girl…
you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic and press the ‘Like’ button.
Sorry boss...
You can either expect me to work well with others
or pass a drug test. It can't be both.
Chicken broth...
is just a chicken’s dirty bathwater.
They say your home is your castle…
but the second you build a dungeon in the basement
someone inevitably calls the cops.
Okay kids, listen closely…
because I'm only gonna say this 257,000 more times. ~Moms
I put up Christmas decorations in stages.
This is the stage where I sit on the couch and stare at the boxes.
Me: “Honey you need to embrace your flaws.”
Wife: "Okay…" [hugs me]
"When are you due?"
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*looks up at lightbulb – “Stupid moth”
*looks back at phone
Look kid, its not "passing out"...
if I have a blanket over me.
Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.
I saw a cafe serving an all-day breakfast.......
but I didn't have that much time.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel great. I eat nothing but organic food these days. The problem is, when I die my entire body will decompose completely in under 24 hours.
Sign on a bakery window: Cakes like your mom used to make - $5. Cakes like you thought she used to make - $10.
