Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Not to brag but...
practically all of my arrest warrants are considered “outstanding”.

I'm worried if there’s a fire at the house…
our kids will ignore the smoke detectors and run to the dinner table.

I hate when my wife says we need to talk...
It's always "What's wrong with you?" and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Dating a girl who owns a broken guitar…
no strings attached.

Found an ant in my bathroom today…
which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

Psycho or Socio…
choose your path wisely.

Pro tip for the ladies:
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

COMCAST: have you considered...
going with the world's number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.