Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Priest: "How’s my floor mural coming along?"
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] "Shiiiiiit."

Her: “I've never had a piercing.”
Me: “Guess we're not counting your voice?”

It's bad enough that I have to die someday…
having my whole life flash before my eyes first seems excessive.

Oh, you've already put up your Christmas tree?
That's nothing, I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

I'm sorry I pronounced your name wrong…
because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language.

The phrase, "I'm gonna let him have it"...
...sure has a different meaning among newlyweds and oldyweds.

Tell your boss what you really think of him.....
for the truth shall surely set you free.

I turned to my co-worker and said, "I feel like punching the boss
in the face again." "What do you mean again?" asked my co-worker. "I felt like punching him yesterday too," I said.

In the office restroom, the boss placed a sign
above the sink that said "Think." The next day, there was another sign above the dispenser that said "Thoap."