Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

It's that wonderful time of year again…
when the spider webs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

No, YOU misunderstood.
I said I've been doing this for awhile, I didn't say I was any good at it.

In a parallel universe somewhere…
Bruno Mars is listening to the radio and he’s sick of me being on every channel.

If it takes a village to raise a child…
why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

I had amnesia once.
OK, maybe twice.

"Teacher: "If I had eight flies on my desk and
swatted one, how many would be left?"
Little Johnny: "Just the dead one."

Math has never been my thirtee.

My wife caught me masturbating.
I tried explaining to her that technically it was her fault.

I just gave my wife a last-minute birthday gift.
I put the toilet seat down.