Watched a cooking show and the host said… you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer? Today I gave an iPhone and $500... to a homeless guy. You’ll never know the relief I felt when he put his gun away. If I had a time machine… I'd probably go back and kill Hitler but I'd definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding. I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn't so bad. My old gym is a ‘5 Guys’ now. Renewed my membership this morning. The self-checkout screen says "Finish and pay". I feel like I'm with an irritable hooker.