Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I just yawned so loud
I think I called a boat in!

I left my laptop on the floor and my mom mistook it for a scale.
My mom weighs 800 dollars.

My spouse looks super hot without glasses.
That's why I stopped wearing them.

I respect strippers.
Because its really hard to dance by yourself
And not look stupid.

When my 2 year-old throws a temper tantrum,
I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with
massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes,
so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
Turns out she left me a few days ago!

I've turned my home into a battered women's shelter.
I've named it "Out of the Frying Pan"

I heard they are opening a women's shelter in Japantown called "Tempura House." It is for lightly battered women.