Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I'm just glad the police haven't found the old one.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife's funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I'm awake! Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.
I compared thee to a summer's day because I hate summer.
Girl: come over.
Guy: I'm coming over.
Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.
My patience has stretch marks.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
Whomever came up with the saying "Make love not war" was obviously not married.
Technically, all national anthems are country music.
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I've been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed.
"I am your Father."
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Botany good plants lately?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed by a Russian last night. But I confronted him and we agreed to set up a joint robbery task force to study and deal with future incidences.
"Spring break"
- Russian mattress repairman
AI
