My wife hates the sight of me when I'm drunk. And I hate the sight of her when I'm sober. My drinking is getting out of hand. I dropped two pitchers of beer last night at the tavern. What device tells you you've had too much to drink? A karaoke machine. I wouldn't call myself a steady drinker. My hands shake too much. A drunk staggers into an AA meeting. A member asks: "Are you here to join?" "No," says the drunk, "I've come to resign."