I can't believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come on down to Steve's Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.
"What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That'd be great."
- The inventor of coasters
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there's like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I know it's so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
It's not necrophilia if they're still alive in your heart.
Do yourself a favor: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
She outgrew her b shells.
They always say "Take it one day at a time." Like two is an option....
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who's not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I haven't worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man...
