Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Apples are actually bad for your health!
Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an apple during the 15th century is now dead.

I saved a bunch of money on fireworks this year…
by telling my wife to calm down.

Be careful who you piss off around here...
because some people use caps lock.

My wife and I are having a hard time...
conceiving a highway, so we're considering adopting.

"Dreadfully mediocre."
"Astonishing lack of imagination."
"Your child peaked at age 5."
- why my friends no longer invite me to school plays.

I’m trying to convince my California in-laws...
that the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Crystal balls: I don't know what people see in them.

Everybody says stealing is wrong. Personally, I don't buy it.

I love my GPS unit. I don't know where I'd be without it.

I'm a pretty good ventriloquist, even though I say so myself.

I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo.