Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Why don't autobiographies ever end with the
person writing a book?

I have a stalker wherever I go.
She's always there, twenty steps ahead of me.

Some people say it's hard being a hostage.
I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

"Coming soon to a theater near you."
How the hell do they know where I live?

Why oh why don't people poof read before posting.

Broke my personal record for the 100 meter dash.
I’m up to 48 meters.

Objects in motion…
tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

When I go to the gym I reward myself…
by not going back for a couple of weeks.

I enjoy long walks…
away from the scene of the crime.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel....
cause it looks like you ate one.

Her: Remind me if I'm ever on life support…
not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yeah, like I could get in front of that line.