Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I was on a blind date with this girl...
and I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife." She laughed and said "you're funny." I said "wise choice."

Ex-CEO of Fox News, Roger Allen, is dead.
Skirts will be lowered to half mast in his memory.

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night.
Are you guys still at the restaurant?

Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.

Last night I had a pillow fight using my memory foam pillow.
It's a fight I'll never forget.

I put on my pants the same as everyone else...
Reluctantly.

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet.

To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get it in, you push it.
Threading a needle isn't easy.

Confucius say wife who keep husband in doghouse
soon find him in cat house.