Last night my hubby got mad because I kicked the ice cube I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on it saying "Don't eat me." I left an empty plate with my own note: "I don't take orders from a cake."
My wife has a million-dollar figure, but the top half is counterfeit.
Folks who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I'm having fruit salad for supper. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for supper.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Any ideas for how I can repair some torn duct tape?
Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
I bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."
Check this one out.........1
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album...That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.
