The railroad boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”
I said, “It’s hard to keep track…”
My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.
She was the one person who might have stopped it.
My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?”
I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”
I told my ex I felt like killing her and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.
I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators.
I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think that something scary is about to happen…
I can feel it.
My mom said to me today that at the age of 45, it was about time I had my own place.
I said to her that since she is 75, I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
I’ve designed a new website for orphans.
There isn’t a home page.
