I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang my room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”
An untalented gymnast walks into a bar …
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy with a premature ejaculation problem came out of nowhere.
My friend said to me, “If you had to choose, what would you prefer – big breasts or a pert, peachy ass?”
I said, “It’d have to be the pert, peachy ass. I’d look ridiculous with big breasts.”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.
She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”
He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes.”
A student visits the principal’s office one day.
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”
The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
