Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

When people tell me to get my act together...
I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.

Sorry, I got discombobulated.
I'm rebobulated now.

Dear women with cucumber slices on your eyes...
you're using it wrong.

If microwaves really spy on us…
the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee
then forgetting about it.

My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves…
so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

I was having a bad day so…
I tried the whole “pull up big girl panties” thing. She didn't appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.

What I said:
“Whoa! You look like Tina Turner on meth.”
What I should have said: “Good Morning Honey.”

My wife and I have different beliefs about death
I want to be cremated when I die but she wants to cremate me now.