When people tell me to get my act together... I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent. Sorry, I got discombobulated. I'm rebobulated now. Dear women with cucumber slices on your eyes... you're using it wrong. If microwaves really spy on us… the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it. My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves… so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived. I was having a bad day so… I tried the whole “pull up big girl panties” thing. She didn't appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after. What I said: “Whoa! You look like Tina Turner on meth.” What I should have said: “Good Morning Honey.” My wife and I have different beliefs about death I want to be cremated when I die but she wants to cremate me now.