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Donald Trump Writes an “S.N.L.” Episode


HOTOGRAPH BY DANA EDELSON / NBC / GETTY

By Keaton Patti
March 1, 2017

Cold Open: It’s set in a normal American house in 2017. Gold walls, gold doors, gold everything. Normal house. The family is beautiful. Nice-looking mom, nice-looking dad, hot kids. Dad tells his family he got fired. Job went to China. This happens. Mom tells family she also got fired. Job went to Mexico. Happens all the time. One kid says, “Thanks, Obama!” Big laughs. Huge laughs. Obama himself comes onstage and admits it’s his fault. Looks at the camera and says, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!”

Monologue: Donald Trump is the guest. Me, Donald Trump. I go out and tell it like it is. Talk about the world, the country, the news. I plug Ivanka’s clothing line. I plug the next four years of America. Alec Baldwin walks onstage mid-monologue trying to act like me and goes, “Wait, who are you? I’m Donald Trump.” I punch Alec Baldwin so hard he becomes Billy Baldwin. Huge laughs. Everyone loves Billy Baldwin. Billy’s great. I’m better.

Sketch No. 1: It’s a car-commercial parody video. A normal American car is driving around a normal American mountain. Nice. Pretty. Sleek. We see I’m driving the car. This is what’s funny. I would never drive my own car. The audience will laugh, my chauffeur assures me.

Sketch No. 2: It’s a normal American factory in 2018. Full of hard workers. Salt of the earth. Meet them all the time. They’re turning coal into food. Classic factory. Boss comes in. Great guy. True leader. Definition of entrepreneur. I play the boss. I tell the workers that we’re doing too well. Factory is making too much money. We don’t know what to do with all the money. This isn’t funny, because this is commonplace under the Trump Administration. What’s funny is that all the money starts pouring out onto a conveyor belt in the factory and we try to handle it all, like in that “I Love Lucy” scene.

Sketch No. 3: This is that old “Da Bears!” sketch, but they say “Da Barrons!” instead. Pictures of my son are flashed on the screen. Billy Baldwin plays Chris Farley’s part. He destroys. Everyone agrees he’s better. I don’t act in this one because I’m busy tweeting about how great the episode is so far.

Musical Performance No. 1: Jimmy Buffett does “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” I play guitar with the band. My guitar has a normal American flag on it. Red, white, and blue, and all gold. I kill it. Knock it out of the park. I add two guitar solos. Buffett cries onstage. Real tears. Salty, like margaritas.

“Weekend Update”: Instead of those two guys, I host with Mike Pence. I talk about what’s in the news and make it funny. Not hard with what the mainstream media report. I talk about a scientific study that further “confirms” that global warming isn’t a hoax and that our planet is in serious trouble. America laughs so hard at that joke that the Environmental Protection Agency instantly dissolves. Camera shows Obama backstage doubled over laughing, saying, “It’s so true.” I don’t let Mike Pence say a single word the entire time.

Sketch No. 4: Russia’s national sketch group, Comrade Haha, has five minutes to do whatever it wants. (This isn’t a political move; Comrade Haha is just hysterical.)

Musical Performance No. 2: Jimmy Buffett sings “Cheeseburger in Paradise” again. I play all the instruments. Everyone says I’m the fifth Beatle. I agree.

Sketch No. 5: It’s a normal American hundred-million-dollar private plane—marble countertops, movie theatre, portrait gallery of paintings of me in it. Average things. I play the plane’s owner. Nice. Strong. An everyman. Joke is my personal flight attendant has a funny accent. Real weird. He says something and I go, “What was that?” It’s great. Do it for, like, twelve minutes. I make America laugh again. The two living Beatles are so proud of me.

Farewells: The cast and I say thank you and wave goodbye. John Belushi’s ghost appears and says it was the best episode ever and that he voted for me in Heaven. Good man. Great ghost. As the credits roll, I punch Billy Baldwin so hard he turns into Stephen Baldwin. Huge laughs. Stephen’s great. Nobody in America wants to see my taxes.

© 2017 Condé Nast (emphasis in original)

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/donald-trump-writes-an-s-n-l-episode

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