Home sounds like a nice place,
until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Life Lesson:
Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain
to a nurse in a busy ER...
Police officers are like spiders.
I know they're useful to have around,
but whenever I see one I get really nervous.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs...
Donald Trump's limousine driver told him the tires on the car were bald and they needed new ones.
Donald told him to comb them over!
Hillary's driver told her that the tires were getting bald.
Hillary said, " fuck the tires, fuck you, you fucking asshole, and fuck that stupid shit for brains Secret Service agent next to you, now shut the fuck up and drive."
Pro tip: When I lose my wife in the mall…
I just start checking out other women and BAM,
there she is yelling at me.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today.
All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
We should call a birth certificate…
a born identity.
To be frank…
I'd need to commit identity theft.
