Valentine's Day is coming. Husbands be prepared
Valentine's Day is a month away. If you are wise, it's time to start thinking about the Valentine's Day gift for the love of your life. TV, newspapers, and the Internet are going to bombard you with all kinds of gift suggestions. Suggestions guaranteed to make your wallet much lighter.
But beware! Your choice of gift is of the highest importance. It's going to determine your marital happiness for the coming months. The wrong choice could earn a spot right next to Fido in the dog house. Remember Fido has fleas and an annoying tendency to hump most anything.
Every wife is unique. A great gift for my wife isn't guaranteed to please your wife. So rather than focus on WHAT TO GET, let's discuss WHAT NOT TO GET.
WHAT NOT TO GIVE YOUR WIFE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
1. Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6999 times. And don't even think about purchasing sexy one-size-fits-all lingerie at Victoria's Secret. If you can't distinguish between a gift for yourself and a gift for your wife, how the hell did you get married in the first place?
2. Avoid all things useful. That new kitchen gadget advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points. Ignore this advice and you might as well bend over and grab your ankles right now. It is far better to be prepared for a kitchen gadget rammed up your butt than have it crammed in when you least expect it. Note: Merchandise smeared with feces is not returnable for cash or store credit.
3. Don’t buy jewelry. The jewelry your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesn’t want. Don't think you can get away with that "But it sparkles just like a diamond" junk. Women can and do have their jewelry appraised. You don't want your old hag of a mother-in-law boasting she always knew you were conniving cheap bastard. You can't live that sort of thing down.
4. Don't buy those fancy Belgian chocolates she adores. Your wife's hips and butt already qualify for a Wide Load sign. Don't make it any worse. Ever see those EXTRA WIDE LOAD trucks proceeded and followed by pickup trucks with flashing orange lights? Imagine that in your future.
5. Finally, don’t spend too much. “How do you think we’re going to afford that?” she’ll ask. But don’t spend too little. She won’t say anything, but she’ll think, “Is that all I’m worth?”
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SHOPPING!
AI
