Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day...
Divorce court is like regular court…
except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I asked a librarian for a book…
about Pavlov's dog & Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
It's a good thing money doesn't grow on trees.
Because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Kids wont go to sleep so…
I'm playing hide-and-seek. And they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or to get into this bar.
The woman who sits next to me at work…
just told someone she's surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts...
that I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
