Friend showed me all the pics taken from the drone he got for Christmas, so I won't be renting the cottage on their farm after all.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] Actually that gold is from both of us.
How many syllables does the word "Gloria" have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That's how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I knew he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.
Being in a club at my age feels more like I'm being set-up for an episode of "To Catch a Predator”.
pet owner's tip: glue the very tip of your cat's tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.
Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
[job interview]
"Tell me a strength."
I'm a decision maker.
"Excellent. How about a weakness?"
I'm a bad decision maker.
I like having conversations on elevators because you know there's a time limit.
Batman: I told you, if it's mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..
Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary.
Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
"Your finest Scotch, please."
"Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
[Interview room]
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where's my present?!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, "this'll do”.
ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that's quite a serious infection you have here.
- Me as a gynecologist
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional.
UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything.
Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I've met more.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The only time I've ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I had to buy a voodoo doll of myself and rub its back.
How terrible do you think Maria von Trapp's life had to be that she included "doorbells" on her list of favorite things?
