My wife has the body of a woman half her age.
I suppose I should call the police.
My accountant recently came up with so many
tax deductions, I had enough left over for bail.
Word on the street is that the ice-cream
truck guy has been around the block a few times.
After I found out my tailor had been sleeping
with my wife I screamed, "I don't ever want to see you again." He replied, "Fine, suit yourself."
At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK, with whom?" "Whoever has lots of money."
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket.
But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
NEVER go fishing with a guy that calls you "Chum'!!!
Facing your fears builds strength...............
...........but running away from them makes for an excellent cardio workout.
When I was younger, my brother's suicide attempt
hit me hard. He landed on me when he jumped out the window.
Last night I got into a fight with this really big guy at the bar. He said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "Okay, but you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I told my wife that black underwear turns me on, she didn't wash my underpants for 6 months..
I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?
I gotta give up drugs....
Last night I snorted 5 lines of laxatives......
and got totally shit-faced!
