Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
"Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problems?"

The lady I'm married to has accused me
of being impersonal.

I just got a great cup of Joe
at the Cannibal diner.

A shouting mother-in-law....................
The original surround sound.

My wife is allergic to peanuts.
She breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my pay check.

"Say hello to my little friend." Great film quote.
Terrible bedroom talk.

I wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote back, "Ok, send me your mother."

After the Office Christmas Party
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Most women need a little reassurance.
For example, when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?"…reassure her that you do not.

Now that they found water on Mars…
how long before they bottle and sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

My dog used to chase anybody on a bike.
It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

No home? No control? Do you see no escape?
It’s past time to buy a new keyboard.