I'm not saying she's easy, but if she advertised on TV, they'd call it a nymphomercial.
The hardest part about having an ugly child is lying to them when they ask you if you love them.
There's no "I" in "Illiteracy.”
It's so insulting when people think they need to explain simple things to me. I mean like, don't consume I'm dumb n shit, you know?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just wondering why Bob Marley denied shooting the deputy but thought admitting he shot the sheriff would be a-okay.
if my mother-in-law was an actress, she'd be the star of The Cunt for Red October.
Took and Ambien and a Viagra at the same time again. I’m finding it hard to sleep.
If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
I write a lot of racist jokes, but, don't get me wrong, I'm not a Republican.
War is never the answer. Unless the question is "What's never the answer?”
"Let's tell people about our waffle and then not do shit for 100 years." -Belgium
