Tornado Alley (PROG)

[SoxFan]

ST. LOUIS (The Borowitz Report)—Heading into the second Presidential debate of the 2016 general election campaign, Donald J. Trump made it clear that he had his eyes firmly fixed on one goal: to defeat Bill Clinton in November.

“I am prepared to make my case to the American people that Bill Clinton is unfit to be President of the United States,” Trump told reporters at Washington University. “That’s all I’m living for now.”

Trump said that, in order to deny Bill Clinton the Presidency, he was prepared to scrutinize “every nook and cranny of Clinton’s sordid personal life.”

“Absolutely nothing is off the table,” the billionaire said. “This country is in bad shape, and the most important thing right now is that Bill Clinton never becomes Commander-in-Chief.”

“I want each and every American to take a long, hard look at the man who calls himself Bill Clinton and ask, ‘Do I want him anywhere near the nuclear codes?’ “ Trump said. “After what I whip out tonight, I’m confident the answer will be no.”

Trump acknowledged that his advisers urged him not to attack Bill Clinton personally, but he dismissed that advice out of hand. “I have to do what’s right,” he said. “If, at the end of this debate, I know in my heart that I have prevented Bill Clinton from being President, I will die a happy man.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-vows-to-defeat-bill-clinton