You look like I could use some sex.
SOBER is actually an acronym that stands for: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real.
There is no "I" in "team." But there's an "I" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So there.
The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, "Please help us."
My wife just told me she's pregnant. God, I hope it's not mine.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Cheating is such an ugly way to put it. I like to think of it as outsourcing my sex life.
I feel like MacGyver- given a bottle opener and a bottle of beer, I was able to crudely fashion an open bottle of beer.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I'm exhausted.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn't getting paid enough.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
If I was a drunk superhero, I'm pretty sure I'd be "I Love You Man”
It's been a tough year for gluten farmers.
if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree
Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.
Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!"
Doctor: "...Oops."
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
