Momma didn't raise no fool.
I did this all on my own.
I bet the kids who TP'd my yard last night and didn't know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one's ever going to visit her again
Me: I didn't get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed 'adult supervision’.
We'd like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
"Actually I have a lot of secs" is apparently not the right answer to "Do you have a sec?”
I wrote "Clarence sale" instead of "clearance sale" and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
1) Pull black socks to knees
2) Wear sandals
3) Wear Magnum PI shorts
4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa's guide to lawn mowing
Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago…
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I'd like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness.”
A woman just dropped a $10 bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
advice: describing someone's cupcakes as being "better than sex" is only a compliment if you aren't sleeping with them
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest.
