My eyesight and hearing are good...
but my strongest sense is non.
I can still party like I'm 22
Too bad I recover like I'm 82.
Darwin was a genius.
Just realized, I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me very well.
Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?"
"Is Pepsi okay?"
In the movies...
anyone can hot-wire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 5 minutes to find the gas cap release on a rental.
Being an ugly girl is like being a man...
you have to work for a living.
Other people get these amber alerts, right?
I mean, it's not up to me to find all these kids?
"Sir, this is the police, open the door!"
"But I'm taking a dump"
"We know sir, the phone booth has glass sides"
