Pro tip:
If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
One day I'll be thankful…
that my child is an independent, iron-willed human with an unrelenting strong voice...but not today, not in this grocery store.
I set my GPS voice to Mom…
now when I miss a turn, it says “Your brother wouldn’t have missed that.”
I want the confidence of my grandpa…
in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
I really can’t say officer...
they were wearing masks. They could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles.
I was going to do the dishes… but they weren't in the mood.
I wear a stethoscope so that...
in a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn't be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son's shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
