Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
At the hospital...
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR.
ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle.
DOCTOR: She insisted.
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it "MY way" you'd have added alcohol to your menu.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.
I have nothing in common with people who eat 1 Pringle at a time instead of frantically shoving 20 in their mouth like it's a wood chipper.
I didn't come here tonight to win a popularity contest. Is there one though? Because that will probably affect my behavior.
I can hear everything you're mumbling under the duct tape. Yes, I will marry you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I don't think this guy who just told a woman to calm down understands how women work.
