If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" It felt good.
I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When someone asks me, "Is this seat saved?" I like to say "No, but we're still praying for it" and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.
I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we've had to dissect frogs.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
"Hey can I do it?"
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.
Hello, Atheist Ghostbusters?
Yes?
I have a ghost in my bathroom.
No, you don’t.
Oh, right. Thanks so much!
That’s why we’re here.
