The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.
I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man... WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...
I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.
I like to cry sometimes so people think I know how to chop onions.
Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.
I've gotten away with blaming the dog for my farts dozens of times so I hope my wife believes me when I tell her that he just shit my pants.
“Do you have anything with 3-5 pounds of rhinestones on the ass?”
—Upper-middle class ladies shopping for jeans
Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.
I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a penis.
Let's give it up for grandmas who get offended and scared when they hear the word penis, but have like 12 kids.
The original Latin name for Monday was Thisshitagain.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.
"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."
Calm the fuck down, Nutrition Facts labels on bottled water.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.
