Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I ditched my girlfriend.
For lying.
Under my best friend.

I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

I'm incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.
I've never even held an entry-level position.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn't accept Jesus.

Went by the house where I grew up.
Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.
My parents can be so rude.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back.
Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after just showing up.