Electric Fence
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, (made for 26 miles of fence). I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The fence hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards to meet it, and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a “Matrix” kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM as your ass explodes.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece of junk chargers that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one had me trapped like a frog in Tupperware I just could not let go of the wire. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
“Screw me”, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting Chug and sputter getting my hopes up. Covered in shit, piss, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it nicely settles into the rough but steady idle and remains there.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, coated in bodily fluids and begging God to kill me. But, God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my mess to writhe in the misery that my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Shit, piss, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might imagine.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it now hums along better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)...
9- I now have a newfound respect for things... I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also unfortunately reminds me of the warm feeling I felt running down my leg on that fateful day.
