Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and she hit the windshield!
911: How's her head?
Me: Her sister's better

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.
That lying bitch isn’t “fun to be around”.

I was in a serious relationship once.
We never even smiled.

A guy walks into a bar
and passes two hot blondes sitting at a table. One looks at him, glances to the other and says "Nine”.
He walks up to his buddy at the bar and tells him that he just got rated nine by the two ladies.
His buddy says "That's funny, when I came in they were speaking German.”

Me and Julio have to stay at least 500 feet from
the schoolyard.

“This is not the Droid you’re looking for.”
- Obi Wan helping Yoda pick out a new phone.

Why do women always say they want a man with a
stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

I sure buy a lot of alcohol.
Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when
they realize no one made sandwiches.

How you can tell a Black Bear from a Grizzly?
Black Bears smoke Newports.