Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I was told today is National Margarita Day, but I'd take that with a grain of salt if I were you.

You know what my
sexual fantasy is? To have sex.

I really need a diet
plan that will take my breadth away.

I saw a cougar.
In leopard-print tights. Driving a Jaguar. No lion.

Wanted: Person to inflate balloons. The ideal candidate must know how to blow things out of proportion.

Friendship is like
peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Thyroid problems?"

I'm 100 percent against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.

Width or widthout carbs ?