Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

My wife has a million-dollar figure, but the top half is counterfeit.

My friend is so vain,
he joined the Navy so the world could see him.

I criticized my Canadian friend for using imperial measurements. He beat me to within 2.54 cm of my life.

Following an explosion at the Elizabethan music shop, they've had problems with luting.

Just when I got a new
lease on life, they raised the rent.

If you have such a problem with me hogging the covers at night, maybe you should get better locks on your doors.

I recently had laryngitis.
I was a hoarse whisperer.