Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I phoned up the Weak Bladder Helpline today. The lady said, "Can you hold for a minute?" I said, "No."

Yoga class is great.
You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga.

I made a chicken salad
last night. Apparently they prefer to eat grain.

The Theory of Relativity:
Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Vandals destroyed all the road signs in our town last night. They really pulled out all the stops.

Bipolar.com seems to be
down. Oh wait, sorry, it's back up again.

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record, I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

I invested some money in a birth control company, but I'm having second thoughts. I may just pull out.

I noticed that a "No Soliciting" sign
never keeps Jehovah's Witness' from knocking. So instead, I keep a "Wet Paint" sign on the door.