At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year
for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
If you don't swear when you're driving,
you aren't paying enough attention to the road.
As I was going through my wallet
for a second I thought I got robbed...
And then I remembered I got gas.
To be fair, "old-fashioned"
doesn't necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I child proofed my entire house...
and they still got in
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself
to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to himself."
My dad and I were never that close.
The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father.
Don't bother giving kids a hard time
for saying lol while they're speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today.
I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen.
I only make mistakes when
I'm around people who are observant.
I wonder if racist families have that
one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I've got some balloons for sale.
"Lord, can I have a pony?"
Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
AI
