My second childhood
would be a lot better if I didn't have to do it in my first body.
The other day I sent my wife a huge pile of snow. Then I phoned her and said, "Did you get my drift?"
I'm not saying my wife is fat,
but our memory foam mattress has started pretending to have Alzheimer's when she gets into bed.
Did you realize that hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime boarding school every year, never to be heard from again?
My dog can find anything.
He's a Labragoogle.
Life is full of complications.
Even when you're born, there's a string attached.
Bet you didn't know I met my wife on the Internet. She's the Wi-Fi always dreamt of.
I dated a magician once.
She put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with
7 kids but only one toilet.
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped
parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
If you don't have a dog whistle,
you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in like forever.
Pro tip for picking up girls -keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I exercise religiously.
I go running dressed as the Pope.
When you swim in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
